Ain't it funny, how time slips away

In 29 days, I will be officially unemployed. It is simply amazing that I am not in full on panic mode knowing this. If this had happened a few years ago, I am certain that I would be losing my mind about now. Today though, I simply am not worried. I know, for a fact, that something will come along. It simply has to. And if it doesn't, then I will create something. That, in a nutshell, is how I live my life.

If you've followed me for more than just a few days, you know the story. But you probably don't know the whole story. Seeing as Christa isn't feeling well and is asleep, and I'm sitting here on some very good Percoset, I'll try and put down in words what's on my mind.

In the past 12 months, my entire life has turned upside down. I'm not really complaining though, because most of it is my own fault.

1. My marriage of 27 years broke up. I'll accept most of the blame. I wasn't a very good husband. We had problems between the two of us, but there's no reason to say anything more than I screwed it up. Not this past year, but over the course of 27 years. I could throw out some of the same old sayings, and honestly, most of them fit. But they don't change anything. In the end, Valerie and I are friends and I hope we stay that way. I don't hate her. In fact, I don't have one bad word to say about her. I wish her the best in everything down the road.

2. I nearly lost one of my sons. The divorce put a wedge between Tim and I, and that wedge nearly cost me a relationship with him. There's no need to go into details. Those that were there saw it. I apologize to everyone involved in that night. I hope you all understand.

3. I did lose my relationship with Tim's wife. Through the entire divorce, I was bound and determined to not let it take away from Tim's wedding. I hope that happened. But through everything that went on, I seem to have lost out on a relationship with his new wife. I hope that changes down the road. She's a wonderful woman who loves Tim with all her heart; and he is so crazy about her. I hate the fact that I don't have a friendship with her.

4. I nearly lost my life. It is no exaggeration to say that the motorcycle accident last September would have killed most people. I'm very happy to have lived, but it did leave me with injuries I fear I will suffer from for the rest of my life. My shoulder is metal. My ankle still won't work properly, and I limp when I walk. My left hip still has no feeling. And worst of all, I have a lot of trouble concentrating for more than a few minutes on anything. I was knocked out for some period of time (it was late at night and I honestly have no idea how long). I just hope there isn't any long term brain damage. I don't think so, but it still scares me.

5. I lost my favorite hobby. I loved riding motorcycles. I miss riding motorcycles. But I also recognize how incredibly lucky I was to survive, and I will never risk my life again like that.

6. I lost a large number of my friends. For a variety of reasons, many of my former friends are no longer a part of my life. A bunch abandoned me after Val and I separated, and I guess they felt they needed to make a choice between us. Other's are out because of my new relationship with Christa. For some reason they think it is any of their business. And still others are out of my life because I drove them out. From October through January, I was on a massive amount of pain killers 24 hours a day. One side effect of living on pain killers is that I was an angry bitter asshole when I didn't take them. This caused me to do and say a lot of things that I now regret. I truly do hope and pray that one day I can make amends on the damage I did during this time. The biggest problem though, is that I don't remember a lot of things I did. For example: I don't remember October AT ALL.

So when you take all of that into account, you can certainly see why I am not panicking all that much about my job. With everything that has happened in the last year, the job situation is really the least of my worries. And instead of worrying about the negative things like the job, I am trying to focus on the positive things in my life these days.

For example, my relationship with Christa. I can't tell you how many people can't understand how our relationship works. I even had one really good friend tell me he's heard more than once "What do they do together? They can't have anything in common." I can certainly see where that comes from. She is exactly half my age (50/25), but it works. It really is as simple as that. We have a variety of common interests. We spend hours upon hours just talking. We truly do enjoy each other's company. What more could I possibly want in a relationship? I would think every person out there would want to be in a relationship like this. You could define it simply with just one word: HAPPY. Why is it such a problem with people for me to be happy?

And with Christa comes Carter. He is an amazing 3 year old boy. And he has absolutely stolen my heart. I have two grown sons that are my everything. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to talk to Tim and Daryl. I hate the fact that Tim is in Hawaii and Daryl works so hard at his restaurant. It is nearly impossible for me to see them. There is nothing or nobody that can ever diminish my love for them. But now Christa has allowed me to join her in this amazing journey of raising Carter. Nothing in my life has ever taught me patience like Carter has. I truly hope I have had a positive impact on his life in the past six months; but I know for a fact he has had a positive impact on mine.

Another really positive aspect of my life these days is the closeness of the friendships I have maintained through all of this. People like Shannon, Bob, Brad, Alex, Jonesy and Leonard have been there through it all. (I'm sure I am not listing everyone, so please forgive me if I leave you off the list. I'm pretty confident you're on the list if you're reading this). When I mentioned to my friends that my job was ending, it was incredible to have Leonard respond so quickly with leads and contacts. Of course, Leonard was there the day after the accident trailering my wrecked bike to the house and offering to do anything else I needed, so I wasn't really surprised. Others have stood by me, encouraged me, and simply listened to me.

Poker players like Gloria, Marlon, Brian and so many others have reached out to me to let me know I was still welcome. My friend Jerry, who was one victim of my attacks and viciousness during the past year, readily accepted my apology and allowed me to start rebuilding a relationship with him. He even has been working with me in finding my way back to Christ. If we're successful in that journey....just wow. Jerry certain had every right to tell me to go away, but he didn't.

Heck, even Adam forgives me for crap I did during those narcotic filled days. He saw me at my complete limit of being an asshole, and I truly do appreciate that he is willing to try and fix things.

There are still others out there that I would love to repair things with. I think it probably is a lost cause though. Mark will never forgive me, and he is probably right. I did and said some pretty crappy things to him. But I did apologize, and I meant it. I was wrong. Same thing with Lisa. No matter the reason for why I got mad at her; she didn't deserve some of the things I said to her. I hope one day to repair things with both of them, even though I'm pretty sure it will never happen. Mark and I used to be really good friends, and I've traveled to Vegas with Lisa and Steve, and shared a hotel room with them. Losing their friendship is a really big loss.

Anyway, with everything else going on, the job situation really is the least of my worries. I'll find work. I'm good at what I do, and I have a great reputation in my area of expertise. If it doesn't work in that, then I'll find a job elsewhere. One thing I've learned over the past year is that I don't need a giant income, or this giant house. I need companionship. I need to be loved. I think if I have that, then the rest will take care of itself.

I'll take a job if you've got one. I'll take unemployment. If I lose this house, I'll work hard and get another one. If I have to go bankrupt, then I have to do that. But I refuse to lose my smile. I have my boys, an amazing new relationship, an incredible opportunity to get involved in raising a brilliant little boy, and friends that have proven themselves to be real and true. I'm incredibly rich in those aspects.